Living an isolated life has made social interactions awkward. It takes a lot of strength for me to interact with people on a physical level. It is also very difficult for me to tell how I feel and deep thoughts in speech. The voice in my head doesn’t go to my mouth very well. Part of it may be because I have not interacted with people on an intimate level other than family.
The voice in my head wants to go to my hand or hands. I want a pen, pencil, or keyboard ASAP if I have something to get out. I don’t want to talk about it…I want to write about it. When I have to talk about something, it doesn’t come out right, or I just feel plain awkward. When I write it, it comes out crisp, clear, and confident. My right hand itches for a pencil, but if I have to speak about it I stress out. Before speaking I have to write a script out and go by it if I talk on the phone. I can’t do that in real life; that just seems weird to a lot of people.
For important phone calls I have to plan a day ahead and prepare. I freak out and stress. I don’t know why; I just do. I don’t want to say something and mess up or sound dumb. I don’t want the person to think I am an idiot. I have only one shot; I don’t want to screw it up.
Public speaking…oh that’s a nightmare for me. People say I do well, but if they only knew how scared and I awkward I really felt I wonder what they would think. I almost can’t breathe. I shake, and my palms sweat. I break out into a sweat. Sometimes my throat closes up and I don’t say what I rehearsed saying. Then I feel dumb and what I say sounded dumb, but people say I did well. How? I don’t feel so sure.
When I write I can say what I want to say confidently. I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do, be who I want to be, and the whole nine yards. No one can hear me, and so they don’t criticize me–unless I put it out into the public for others to see.
That’s another reason why I didn’t want to publish at first. When people saw my writings and felt I should share them with the world, I had to publish to do so. However, I was uncomfortable with being put under the microscope by book editors. My stories and I were unique, and I didn’t like the thoughts of being told how to present my world. Sure it may need to be polished, but that’s it–that was until I learned about being independent. It’s a lot of work on me, but the trade off is more in my favor. I sometimes get discouraged about the slowness of getting out there, but that goes for anyone. I have to be discovered, and it’s hard to do with a tiny and nearly nonexistent platform. People who start out with big platforms are lucky.